my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
