Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
