when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
