If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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