this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
