I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
