I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
