Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
