Are we in a gay sports bar?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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