Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
