I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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