Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
