when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
