so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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