I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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