I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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