i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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