I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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