is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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