Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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