shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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