My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
