If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
