I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
