I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
