I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
