you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
he fucked my hip out of place.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
