is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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