So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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