How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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