The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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