you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
