ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
