The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish I could teleport
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
