Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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