maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm like, not good at living.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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