i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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