My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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