I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
