Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
