On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
