Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
pop tarts are not kleenex
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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