I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
