Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Randomize
