ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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