Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
In other news, I just burned my penis
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
