just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
