Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
