Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
