My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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