There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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