Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize