All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
