i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
